mistakes
I live a life that is constant hell
And no one wants to wish me well
I act like I'm happy
In reality life is crappy
Constant stress, pain, heartache
This happy act I always have to fake
Inside I am dying
Crying and crying
I'm 17 and I've had a hard life
I've had to bury so much strife
I've had my heart broken left and right
Said so many awful things out of spite
I've burned bridges
Fallen off crumbling ridges
Lost people I truly loved
Been lied to when I was told I was beloved
I've died inside again and again
I still don't believe this emotional hell will ever end
I cry every night before I sleep
I have no sanity left to keep
I'm driving myself crazy
Holding onto maybe
Loving people who don't feel the same
I don't even know why I came
Why I try to be a friend
I wind up scarred in the end
My scars are so deep
Sometimes I think I would rather sleep
My dreams are so much better than reality
How is it that you see
Straight through the lies
To the pain in my eyes
My world is being flipped upside down
But you are my anchor to the ground
Never before have I been found
I was starting to doubt it would ever happen
Now these newly found wings I can finally start flappin
I've waited so long
Now I can finally be strong
I've been falling apart for so many years
I have shed trillions of tears
I have loved with no gain
For a long time my world has only seen rain
It's been crowded with clouds from pain of the past
I always thought the rain would forever last
I don't understand how you found me
How do you just see
I've fallen so much
Never had a crutch
I'm covered in scars
I've fought so many emotional wars
All alone in the past
Because I've been moving so fast
But with you it's different than all the rest
I really think this could be the best
Yes my life is constant emotional hell
But with you I can finally be well
I'm stressed all the time
Sometimes the pain covers me with a layer of brine
And it's hard for my light to shine
But the odd thing is that brine has gone
I'm no longer a helpless fawn
You have turned me into a bird that can sore
You see through my walls to my very core
As long as I live I swear this to you
Through you pain and fear I will always see you through
This I promise you tonight
To forevermore be your guiding light!

A mother passed on
A sister too
A daughter longing just to see life through
Without the pain of missing them so
She doesn't know which direction to go
She cries for her loss
Now she is the boss
She inherits a job she never wanted
I doubt she ever thought she would be so haunted

The more time goes by
She asks God why
Why did I lose them?
Now they'll never again say Je t'aime
I'll never again hear I love you from their lips
Even now as my eye drips
As I cry for the pain of losing them both.
Now I have been stunted in my growth
This lonely girl she cries at night
She is slowly losing her will to fight
There is so much sadness in her heart
She wonders how to start
Moving on with her life
Burying all the painful strife
When their hearts no longer beat in time
This wounded girl knows this is a fateful crime
They should not have died
That is why she cried
And continues to do so today
Since they are still gone away
She loves them both so very much
Their warm hands she longs to touch
To see them walking and alive
Their loss she still can not derive
They are gone and she has lost her strong will
On days like these she has to take an anxiety pill
This poor sad child she is falling apart
Separation from their love is breaking her already fragile heart
She knows in her heart they are in a better place
She prays their lives will not go to waste
She hopes to one day meet them again
Even now in her crumbling state
She know's this death is not the end!

Home
It's the place where we live
It's a place that we love
Home is where you grow up
It's where you raise your kids
And where you smile at a new day
It's the place that happiness never goes away
Sometimes that tends to change
Home can also be hell
It can make you afraid
For the people you live with can be the monsters in your life
It can scare you to death when you walk in the door
It all depends do you wind up on the floor?
Thrown there by someone who claims to love you
Do you get hurt by those who take care of you
I started out with a loving home
Then it turned into hell
Does anyone know what it's like
To be afraid of the home you love
Do you know what it's like to never be well
In the home you grow up in?
Have you ever had fear of being hit?
Has it ever been constant
Well for me it has
Welcome to my childhood story.

If you love in vain
It will only bring pain
In you love pure
You will always be sure
If you react in anger you are sure to get burned
And those scars will have been earned
If you move too fast
The relationship will not last
If you love another
Than from the one you are in a realationship with you will go farther
If you kiss someone and it is lust
Every kiss will fade to dust
If you build a foundation built on lies
The pain will be eminent in your eyes
You should smile when you can
And in your love you should never bend
Love with all you are
And you will always go far

Love for me is an infinite struggle
It's constant and aggravating
The difficulty comes with the pain I tolerate
Pain of losing people that I love
Missing them and wishing things were better
I drive myself nuts doing such things
It's almost like I perfer to suffer
But the  reality is I perfer not to let go
Life is painiful for me
It always has been
You know, and the thing is I'm just kind of used to it
To the pein and heart ache and the suffering
Heck, I expect it half the time
I expect the pain, the end of most of my relationships
That's why I struggle so much
Because most of the time I have no hope
No peace
No joy
And I always let the little things get to me
The anger of others the pain in their words
I always let what others think get to me
Because I care so much about people
I love so many
Even those that I shouldn't
And I fall easily
It's hard though to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back
In reality it is one of the worst fates that can ever befall you
Loving smeone with no return is one of the most painful things to do
It's worse than physical paiin because it hurts your heart
Not like a little bruise on your leg
More like a huge cut in your heart
This is how I live
Does anyone know how I can stop loving so much?

I sleep in silence
And eat alone
Sometimes I feel like an empty clone
I cry at times
I smile as well
My mood is often hard to tell
I'm a talented actress
I wear my act as well as I wear a dress
Honestly, in my life
I'm constantly having to bury strife
It's hard for me to tell sometimes
Harder than it is for me to find rhymes
The odd thing is it's not hard with you
I always seem to know what to do
You know how to make me smile
It's been such a long while
Since I've smiled with such conviction
Such joy in my eyes
I pray we never have to say our final goodbyes
I care so much about you
You are my shining star
Just know I am with you no matter where ever you are
I'm always with you deep inside your heart
It doesn't matter how far apart
How many miles separate us
All that matters is that our love will last
I'm so glad we aren't moving too fast
I love you so much
There aren't enough words
To describe how I feel
Most of the words I'd use aren't even real
So tonight I wanted to wish you well
And tell you that I will think of you as each day passes
You will be in my heart and on my mind
Til the end of this brief time
That we are apart
But you will forever be in my heart
Good night my love

Broken door a shattered wall
Still don't know why at all
Falling down a spiral of sadness
Only wantinig to feel gladness
Crying at night
Smiling by day
Putting on an act
Trying to get all of the facts
Loving people but loving him
Don't know what to do
Still missing you
Having the feeling you'll be coming around
Not knowing when and falling to the ground
Crying out my eyes
All of my goodbyes
Loving you so much
Feeling I'll never again touch
That special heart and soul of yours
Those ones that I never need tours of
I know you so well
Oh can't you tell
I wish and wait in bitter silence
For the day we will end this emotional violence
I love you still I know you know
So now farewell until you figure out how'
You're going to love me too
Without me breaking his heart because I chose you.

Sinking in the ocean deep
My sanity I can not keep
And so the past haunts me again
Until I meet my bitter end
Falling in love
And falling out
I wish I didn't have a single doubt
Pain and sorrow
Loving like there's no tomorrow
Slowing slipping
No longer gripping
The stronghold of mine that once stood
My life is no longer good
Everything is turning away
Man I wish I knew how to stay
Constant and the same
Always the same never to blame
I change too much
This is driving me nuts
Can not concentrate on anything but you
I don't know what the hell is left to do
I'm about to give up and just quit
Of this bull shit I am so sick
I need to be held and never let go
Sigh...
You must somehow know
I know you so much better than him
I swear I feel like I'm down to my bare skin
Naked from loneliness
From the deep pain inside
Man how I wish I had somewhere to hide
I swear one day I will end this tiff
And fix our love that has gone amiss.

Lost love
Bitter pain
Every word said in vain
Trapped dove
Within a cage
No longer turning page
Waiting for you
Painful as ever
Because you already told me never
Loving like there's no tomorrow
No more love for you left to borrow
Losing love
Missing you
Still don't know what to do
Found another and it's great
This time it is not fake
His claim he has started to stake
Needing a hug
But staying quiet
Feeling like I would if I were on a diet
Always hungry
Thirsting for more
Much more than ever before
Wanting him to hold me
No longer you
Damn it, this is exactly what you wanted me to do
You said you loved me
That it was forever
But truth is that it lasted never
I miss you still but love him more each day
I don't want this love to go away
I lost you once
I finally accept it
I'm done throwing a fit
It's a simple fact that now you are gone
So I have moved on
So confused
You have the soul
He has the memories
Which to choose?
I know them both so very well
Right now it is too soon to tell
I know you'll be coming back sometime soon
I just pray it isn't this afternoon
I've chosen him over you
You broke my heart
You lied when you said you'd always see me through
Tell me are you happy now?
I still don't see how
You could hurt me like that and just leave me behind
How you could be so unkind
I fought for you when everyone said I was wrong
I thought you were my ever lasting song
Why did you leave me
Why'd you let me go
Do you even know
You don't know my story
It shows there is no fury
If only you knew my only goal was protection
You might not fight
You might see that I'm right
Sigh
But no you chose to leave me alone
To face this year on my own
And so I have found another
One who is sweet and kind
One who always seems to read my mind
So I'll leave you with this sentiment of peace
Before I grant you your release
I'm no longer hooked on you
This is what I had to do
It's been one month and twelve days
Now it's time to let back in the suns rays
I'm done living in this dark prison cell
And so, in this life time I wish you well

To my Joseph with love

Love can be difficult this much is true
But it's never been difficult to love you
Sure we've only just met in this present lifetime
But we've known each other through lifetimes in the past
This time I think it's going to last
How this started long ago
I still do not know
What I know now is I finally found proof that my dreams are real
Now the love and shining light within me I can finally feel
I've been thinking so much lately and I'm scared of our fate
At the moment I'm afraid to date
I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you like I have all the rest
I really hope that with you I can be the best
Girlfriend possible, the best friend too
Joseph darling I want to make you the sunshine of my world
To my Joseph with love

I'm just worried I'm going to become a love sucking black hole again
That is something I do not want to refrain
I want our love to be my everlasting song
I want to sing of it my whole life long
Oh my dear
I'm glad I have you near
I'm still afraid I'll wind up breaking your heart
But that is not going to hold me at the relationship start
I don't want to be held back by my fear this time
I also don't want to move too fast
I want to take our relationship slow
And see all the places it will go
I want to love you for as long as I possibly can
I don't want it to end like last time when I ran
I love you dear I hope you know
I don't ever want to let you go
Away and leave me behind
That would be so unkind
I just found you again
My old friend
Please promise to keep me safe
That is my only wish
Please just keep me safe and don't let our love go amiss!

I' sorry for the pain that I've already put you through

There's gonna be times where I'm not there with you

I'm sorry for the tears that I may one day make you shed

I'm sorry for the words that I just should not have said

I know sometimes it might seem like I'm down on you

But baby always know if your in pain I'll see you through

I just need you to know that I'm always here

And that I'll help you through your every fear

So in the end I apologize if I ever do you wrong

But baby for your love I've waited so long

With you is where I'll always be

So maybe now, my love, is clearer to see

This is pure Nick Thomas not me! But I've had this saved and I thought would he really say something like that for me if he didn't care? And I wonder does it still apply deep down inside?

The urge to write has struck me again
So I shall begin
What shall I start with on this fair night
What trait shall I choose to be your define
How about those eyes
Ah the eyes
They are as brown as dark chocolate
Hmm what else can I say
Here's some food for thought
Not exactly something I have wrought
Those eyes of yours they stare into my very soul
I think that without you I may never again be whole
There is a part of me missing
That part belongs to you
And dismissing it is all you ever do
That right there what you hold captive from me
Is the best part of my heart
The most pure the most clean
The part that loves you
The part that is purely true
Tell me something Romeo
Would you like me to stay or would you like me to go
Oh Romeo
Tell me do you miss me at all
Does it matter that all I do now is fall
Seriously, you don't care at all?
I don't believe it I know you too well
I know you had to have fallen for me at some point
Weather you like it or not that doesn't just go away
Why won't you just sway
Back towards me where you belong
Our love was so strong
There has to be a part of you that misses me too
If not I don't know what I'm gonna do
Amour all I want is a simple hello
Why can't you just give that to me like a good fellow
I know you are still good
I don't know what I should...
If only you understood how insane I'm driving myself
I don't even recognize myself
I have let the loss of your love
Change me into something I am not
I'm so tired I can barely think
And I'm very close to the brink
To going insane
Going over the edge
Damn I'm so close to the ledge
Seeking comfort in someone other than you
All I see it as is askew
I wish you would talk to me
For so long I've been holding out
Now I have all kinds of doubt
I'm still falling down that crevice
I thought  I had a foothold a while ago
Seems I was wrong
I'm still hooked on you
Right now I just don't know what to do
How to get through this alone
With no one to hold my hand
Why won't you just understand
And now I'm crying over what I want from you
But what I know I'll never get because of the stupid things I do
So I'm gonna go to bed now
And cry myself to sleep
And pray to God that tonight
You don't grace my dreams
My heart just keeps on breaking
Being farther away from you
Dear God please help me
Because I don't know how to get through
I am letting your hatred destroy me
And I don't know how to stop
Good night Nick
I love you
But I don't matter
So I cry
And everyday more and more the inside of me dies.
If there was ever a time to comment on this blog now would be it

So at the moment I'm sitting on my bed thinking about Nick... Always thinking about him.  Love him with all that I am! sigh... Had a vivid dream this morning and woke up at 3:54 sigh couldn't get back to sleep still can't! Hmmm. Well this is my life I guess dreaming bout someone I'll never get back and praying one day the future will be brighter than the present! I'm going to attempt to write something but it might suck cause it's 5:40 and I've been up since 3:50.... Here goes
Dreamt of you this morning
Much more vivid than before
Dreamt that you came knocking
On my hearts closed door
Felt like crying when I woke up
Cause it made me sad cause we're still broken up
Sigh...
Man I wish these dreams would die
Why must it always be you
Why can't it be some other person
Man dreaming like this reminds me that you only see me as askew
That's all you seem to do
I really wish you would reminis
Man I always think of that one aggressive kiss
Sigh, Romeo
Why'd you have to go
Why did you leave me in the cold
Now I'm no longer bold
Romeo I miss you
I know I say this all the time but I do
So this is what I'll leave you with
I want to meet and end this tiff
Will you come to young life please
Don't worry I've got nothing to cease
I know I hurt you
Can I just say sorry
Please, Romeo I beg of thee
Please just let me have peace

I have hopeless faith in what we used to be
Sometimes I think I can swear I can see
The truth in why what we had died
Honestly there are so many tears I've cried
I fell for you, but it wasn't the same
Unlike my past loves it wasn't a game
My exes always used to take with no shame
They never did stake their claim
It was different with you than it was with all the rest
It really seemed like you were the best
The good thing to keep me in line
Our love seemed so divine
When we broke up there was a part of me that died
I've been trying so hard to get that part revived
There was a goodness in me that was showing through when I was loving you
How could I be so stupid as to let that become askew
I still regret everything I said that fateful day
Man how I wish I could have crushed my damned desire to stray
The thing is I'm not over it
Not even close yet
Honestly I don't want to forget
I don't want to let go
Of all the love I have for you
No, I want to fix what we had so that it's never again askew
I want you forever
Unfortunately, I'll have you never
You don't love me anymore
Not the way you did before
Certainly not the way I love you
I guess now I have to pay my due
The price for letting you go
And for telling you no
In that moment what I needed most was your love for me
And for saying no that love will never again be
I got scared and I pushed you away
I never wanted our love to sway
I just wanted you to see past the happy mask to the suffering girl inside
You know, the one I always like to hide
I'm sorry that I pushed you away
With you has always been where I wanted to stay
I hate myself for losing you
Now there is nothing I can do
I pushed you too far and too long
Now the reality is, you're gone
I'm alone now, like I was before
Before that day that you knocked on my hearts door
I willingly gave you the key
Cause I thought you would always stay with me
You knocked down my walls
That kept me apart from so many, and you let me fall
But I lost my chance
I fell alone
I'm still falling in an endless dance
I really want to see you smile
It's been such a long while
I'll never get so lucky as to have you
So moving on is what I have to do
But I can't
Because, Nick, I can't stop loving you
And I never want to

Tell me something
Was I worth it
Am I the one that made your dreams come true
Tell me this love
You say I'm worth it
Then why didn't I get a damn good thing from you
Why is heart ache all you graced me with
Why did I wind up at the edge of a cliff
Alone with no companion by my side
Why did you run and hide
You said you trusted me
You promised to jump with me
Why couldn't you just believe
Just take a leap of faith and be mine
Why'd you have to prove our love wasn't divine
Why couldn't you just trust me
When I said with you I would always be
Why couldn't you have faith in you and me
When I spoke those words I didn't lie
But when you left all I did was cry
I swore to be true
All I ever wanted was you
So now I've leaped alone
And we no longer have a home
And I'm dying inside
With you the wind I'll never ride
You'll never again be by my side
It was all a big lie
You promised we'd leap into the sky
And fly
You never trust me to carry you with my wings
Why couldn't you have faith in all these things
Why couldn't you just have faith in us
Why did you run at the first sight of trouble
Why'd you have to burst our happy little bubble
I trusted you completely
Look what I got out of it
Just an angry fit
I know I lied and I made mistakes
I know you cried and you feel like you payed the price
Well let me tell you there's so much more
Love in me than there ever was before
I waited for you
I swore I would
If you took me back, this time I would be good
I'm sorry we broke up the way that we did
Tell me baby don't you miss me at all
Don't you wish I would call
But no
I know it's foolish hope
And faith in you that killed me
I loved you til the end
I loved you my best friend
So faith is what I had
And now it's all gone bad
Your gone
And I'm forced to move on
So goodnight and goodbye
My friend
I guess this is how our love story ends
Love forever Lady Kay

Romeo I guess this is good bye
And so in these next words I promise not to lie
I waited for you as long as I could
Waiting has done me no good
It has only caused me pain
I'm never gonna be with you again
I'm moving on
You wanted my feelings for you gone
I payed the price when I lied to you
Now it's your turn to pay a due
I'm leaving you behind
My love for you has run out of time
I'm at the edge of a cliff
And I'm standing here stiff
You are far ahead on your own path
And now I no longer feel daft
I'm done letting the pain consume who I am
About you I can no longer give a damn
I wanted you more
Than I have ever wanted anyone before
But now my river of love for you has run dry
And I have no more tears left to cry
I can not hold on to you anymore
Now you have evened the score
I am gone I will be in love with you no more
This is what you wanted
What with me you never should have taunted
Tell me something do you feel whole
Does it make you happy that you finally have control
I would think after all the fuss you made with shutting me out
That having me gone wouldn't bring on any doubt
These words aren't hate
No they are simply fate
My soul mate you no longer wish to be
Now you shall crave my soul for the rest of eternity
This is how you wanted it to end
With me gone, no longer your friend
You wanted to cut me out of your life
All I wanted was to bury the strife
So be happy, you got your wish
I am no longer your faithful fish
I have given up on loving you
Like you always wanted me to
Romeo if you've changed your mind
I'm sad to say now you will find
It is far too late for you to make that choice
Now I have found my own voice
I am no longer plagued by the thoughts of missing you
No for now I have payed my due
Tell me you love me and this is what you shall hear
"It is too late to love me now, dear."
You have pushed me away
And so today
Willingly I flee from you
Away from the pain
I now fly away like a crane
Tell me you miss me
And you shall hear "Leave me be"
I am done with the pain that loving you has caused
Now I move on never again to be paused
This is the sentiment I shall leave you with
This is how I shall end this big tiff
For too long I have waited for you to be mine
I now realize your love for me was never divine
I pulled away for your protection
Now I am trapped by my prevention
I have prevented myself from letting you go
Now I shall forever say no
You hurt me to my core
Now I have evened the score
Goodbye Romeo
Now away from you I go
Fare well sweet dreams to thee my old love
I am now a free dove
I have the freedom to fly away
To use my voice
It is no longer your choice
I am no longer in love with you
And so.
Farewell
Adieu
Juliet