doing research on the 1950's for english!  Gah IDK what to research!

I had a really long week end... Sigh I am so tired and wiped out!  :)  Hum... I miss my ex still but I'm learning to cope with it... If only if only sigh... Honestly at the moment I'm not thinking about boys but what I am focusing on is school... I need to get my grades up this is the last school year before I apply for colleges.  :) I'm in a really good mood I have my ipod back and I have it in an otter box defender case.  :)  YEA!  not breakable.  Plus it's blue and pretty.  :) ok I'm done now bye

Falling in love isn't easy.

Falling out of it is much harder.

Currently I am trying to fall out of love... I'm failing miserably!  I fell so hard for Jonathan so hard I haven't had a good amount of sleep in almost 2 months. I can't handle him hating me!  I can't it's killing me!  I've shut everyone out I'm afraid to fall back in love because I know that there is a possibility that I will wind up heart broken again... I don't want to wind up heart broken again. I still love Jonathan he's basically all I thought about today... Then something strange happened another guy popped in my head the guy I like who doesn't like me back... Sigh... :(  I really wish I could just have finished what I was telling him I pouring my heart out putting myself out there but I got crushed...  I hate this... It would be so much easier if I could just get one moment where people think about my feelings before their own!  But no!  No one will give me that!  What I need right now is peace... I love Jonathan I miss him so much!  But I like Jacob and quite frankly even though he doesn't like me back me liking him is helping me get over Jonathan... I just feel like I have no escape from my crazy messed up relational life... Why does this have to be so hard?  It kills me to know that Jonathan doesn't love me anymore to know that he'll never hold me again kiss me again comfort me again love me again look at me like there's nothing better in the world than me... I will never have that again... I hate it!  It kills me!  I can't sleep I just feel like I'm never gonna find love again... All I really want is to be able to say goodbye to him let him go... But he won't even give me that!  :/  And it'd be great if Jacob would give me a second chance but I'm not gonna get that either...

Right now I am pissed!  To tell you the truth I hate promise breakers!  If I pinky promise with someone I NEVER EVER break that promise!  But apparently breaking promises doesn't matter to some people... It's important to me because I grew up on broken promises and a very hard life... I mean My parents got divorced when I was 3 my dad got remarried when I was 7 that relationship and all that came with it was a disaster!  Come on try waking up every morning to someone screaming at you getting yelled at and pulled off the top bunk of your bed at midnight for something you didn't do.  Getting blamed for everyone elses wrong doings and getting the crap beat out of you for no reason.  My life sucks!  You know and the one thing I have always had is my dad.  My mom comes and goes I refuse to let her in any more because she has no idea how to be my mother! My dad is the one constant thing in my life!  He's the only person that's always been there for me... You know I thought Jonathan might be just as good as Dad right up there but man was I wrong... Of course their was Chris but we all knew that our relationship was going to end with either one of us breaking up with the other or us just quitting all together!  Don't ask me why I even tried to get to Chris I have no clue I guess I just saw one part of him that wasn't a back stabbing ass hole of a boy and clung to it but me doing that killed that part!  :/ he's a jerk now!  I really wish he wasn't he really can be nice!  Sigh... This post is just me venting... I just really hate my life right now!  I'm sure people have much worse lives than I do but for me my life sucks!  I'm tired of having a mother who can't keep her promises a family that thinks I'm a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants.  Oh family if your reading this you know what I'm talking about and do you really think I asked to have such a shitty life?!  Hell no I didn't I don't want my life!  I want a life where I'm not judged for my past mistakes and quite frankly you need to let mom have some space her mistake was more than 5 years ago let it go she's changed!  And you know something else I'm bipolar I'm 16 I'm clinically depressed and with out my meds I would turn into a psycho who only thought about killing her self!  You can tell me I don't need my meds all you want but I know it's true and I'm not giving in to your influence!  Sigh... Now I'm annoyed hungry tired and I'm going home and then to rehersal at 5 good bye

Ok so here's how it is... I'm not gonna be able to love someone for a very long time... :(  At least not until I'm more positive happy and over Jonathan.... Sigh... If you're reading this and you know what i'm going through then please someone comment!  I am so sick of just seeing no comment on every single post!  I'm dying for human interaction right now!  Sigh... I need a friend that can sympathize with what I'm going through instead of being bluntly honest and making it worse for me all the way around... Sigh... I don't know how I can even go on but I know that I have to and for me to do that requires focus on something other than Jonathan... I have honestly never loved someone as much as I loved him and now I'm regretting it big time.   But I'm moving on letting go and getting over him because all he cares about is being free I wouldn't recommend dating someone two years younger than you while your still a teenager heck not until you're like 24 and I'm saying this to girls because guys weather you want to admit it at not you develop slower then we do and when your say 14 your developed to the point of being 12... There you go Marcia can be bluntly honest too.  Sigh... Good night friend or foe ex or not. I'm sure he has checked this out once or twice he's probably very curious since I've told him all of the posts are about him which is true pretty much... So Jonathan if you are reading this good night and goodbye I'm fine now but... Never mind you have lots of explaining to do and by no means does me moving on mean you are off the hook... Sweet dreams.

Advice to all girls I know don't fall for someone younger than you ever!  Boys are less mature and wind up being ass holes beware of the younger boy!  I have had my heart crushed!  and now I know why! He likes someone else and he felt the need to make me look like an idiot in front of his whole family!   What's the point?! 

I'm tired and I can't sleep it's going to be a very long time.  I miss my ex and I'm tired.  I hate it when I can't sleep. 

Love is hard

Life is no easier

But God is forever

He Loves with no end

Breathes Life into us all

And saves us with his grace.

I've had a lot to think about lately and quite frankly I just feel like I'm done. I'm tired of letting people do things like this to me get to me turn me into something I'm not.  Tell me if you are one of my many enemies why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  You make my life a living hell by turning the most important people in my life against me.  I mean lets see there Sarah Boos in 6th grade.  Um Chris Bays thank you for that one btw.  And now the guy that I really love Jonathan Gusler.  Why?!  What do you get out of making my life a living hell and ruining the most important relationships I have?  I know not all of you do it but there is a nice little section that does.  You people have no idea how much pain I'm in... I have a lot on my plate.  My family on my mom's side thinks I'm a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants and doesn't appreciate any of it.  I hate that they think that!  Sigh... The one really supportive person in my life is my dad.  I couldn't live with out him if I tried. Sigh.  I have emotional issues problems sigh... The one thing I had was my love for Jonathan and the knowledge that he loved me back.  And now he hates me and I don't know why.  I wrote him a goodbye letter I've decided to let him go because he's never coming back to me.  :'(  I love him so much still and now I have to live with the fact that he hates me!  :'(  I miss him so much... I hate feeling like this like I have nothing heartbroken.  I still don't know what I did wrong and it kills me.  Please if your one of my christian friends and your reading this pray for me.  I need it!  Good night all.  

I am sick and tired of people underestimating me now it's time to teach someone a lesson... People have got to stop bringing out my dark side because i hate being this way but i'm not about to let someone get away with screwing me over... I'm not gonna hurt anyone I'll just do what I always do which is a trade secret not about to announce it on the internet for all to see... But if you read this and your the one who pulled that little stunt on sunday i'll find you.  beware the kitty likes to tear things apart with her claws. :)  don't ever cross me!

Why do people do these things to lead me on pretending to be someone else while i go to that someones house looking like a freaking idiot and feeling like i want to die!